Seriously, these are some really bad jokes. Dunno why I'm even posting them, other than to say I did. At any rate, these are pretty much the worst jokes I could find. Enjoy! .... or maybe not.
Two fish were in a tank. One said to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
Did I ever tell you the story about the broken pencil? It had no point.
I was reading a book about adhesive the other day. I just couldn't put it down.
Q: What's the friendliest school?
A: Hi school.
Q: What's black, white, black, white, and green?
A: Two skunks fighting over a pickle.
Q: What do you give a dog with a fever?
A: Mustard. (It's good for hot dogs.)
Q: What do you call a bass vocalist who sings by himself?
A: So-low.
Q: Where do books eat dinner?
A: At the table of contents.
Q: Why were the suspenders arrested?
A: For holding up a pair of pants.
Q: What do you get if you cross a cow with a camel?
A: A lumpy milkshake.
Q; What did the angry inflatable teacher say to the irresponsible inflatable child in the inflatable school?
A: Not only have you let me down, you've let yourself down, and you've let the whole school down!
Q: Why was the broom late?
A: Because he overswept.
Funnyandjokes.com
Showing posts with label joke. Show all posts
Showing posts with label joke. Show all posts
Saturday, November 14, 2009
23 of the worst jokes you'll ever hear
23 of the worst jokes you'll ever hear
1. Two blondes walk into a building........ .. you'd think at least
one of them would have seen it
2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy
marijuana, press the hash key..."
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks
are too high."
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied "I know you
can't, I've cut your arms off".
8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his
head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. "That
sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."
13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have
a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he
checks his teeth. Finally, the vet says, "I'm going to have to put
him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy".
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck
up my backside." "...How's that?"
"Don't you start."
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
give me a lift?" I said "Sure. You look great ... the world's your
oyster ... go for it."
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or
my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu?
But I think its Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The
other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday; one was drinking battery
acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let
the other one off.
21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
today." They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking
Fine.' "So that was nice of them."
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in
several places". The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore".
"Doctor, doctor when I bend my arm like this it hurts." "Well don't
do it!"
23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search
and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that
number to climb as digging continues into the night.
1. Two blondes walk into a building........ .. you'd think at least
one of them would have seen it
2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy
marijuana, press the hash key..."
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks
are too high."
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied "I know you
can't, I've cut your arms off".
8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his
head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. "That
sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."
13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have
a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he
checks his teeth. Finally, the vet says, "I'm going to have to put
him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy".
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck
up my backside." "...How's that?"
"Don't you start."
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
give me a lift?" I said "Sure. You look great ... the world's your
oyster ... go for it."
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or
my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu?
But I think its Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The
other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday; one was drinking battery
acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let
the other one off.
21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
today." They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking
Fine.' "So that was nice of them."
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in
several places". The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore".
"Doctor, doctor when I bend my arm like this it hurts." "Well don't
do it!"
23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search
and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that
number to climb as digging continues into the night.
Top ten worst Christmas cracker jokes ever
From Telegraph.co.uk
What's brown and sweet and glides around an ice rink?
Bourneville and Dean
What's a specimen?
An Italian astronaut
What do you call a short sighted dinosaur?
A do-you-think-he-saw-us!
What do you call a man with brown paper trousers?
Russell
What do you call a man with a pole through his leg?
Rodney
Why would you invite a mushroom to a Christmas party?
He's a fun guy to be with.
Why was Santa's little helper feeling depressed?
He had low elf-esteem.
Who was England's first chiropodist?
William the Corncurer
Why should husbands make the early morning tea for their wives?
Because the Bible says He Brews
What's the longest word in the English language?
Smiles, because there is a "mile" between the first and the last letters.
Nuts magazine's top 10 worst Christmas cracker jokes.
1. What is Santa's favourite pizza?
One that's deep pan, crisp and even.
2. On which side do chickens have the most feathers?
The outside.
3. What kind of paper likes music?
(W)rapping paper.
4. What's white and goes up?
A confused snowflake.
5. What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?
Annette.
6. Did you hear about the man who bought a paper shop?
It blew away.
7. What's furry and minty?
A polo bear.
8. How do snowmen get around?
They ride an icicle.
9. Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy.
10. What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert?
Lost.
What's brown and sweet and glides around an ice rink?
Bourneville and Dean
What's a specimen?
An Italian astronaut
What do you call a short sighted dinosaur?
A do-you-think-he-saw-us!
What do you call a man with brown paper trousers?
Russell
What do you call a man with a pole through his leg?
Rodney
Why would you invite a mushroom to a Christmas party?
He's a fun guy to be with.
Why was Santa's little helper feeling depressed?
He had low elf-esteem.
Who was England's first chiropodist?
William the Corncurer
Why should husbands make the early morning tea for their wives?
Because the Bible says He Brews
What's the longest word in the English language?
Smiles, because there is a "mile" between the first and the last letters.
Nuts magazine's top 10 worst Christmas cracker jokes.
1. What is Santa's favourite pizza?
One that's deep pan, crisp and even.
2. On which side do chickens have the most feathers?
The outside.
3. What kind of paper likes music?
(W)rapping paper.
4. What's white and goes up?
A confused snowflake.
5. What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?
Annette.
6. Did you hear about the man who bought a paper shop?
It blew away.
7. What's furry and minty?
A polo bear.
8. How do snowmen get around?
They ride an icicle.
9. Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy.
10. What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert?
Lost.
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