Seriously, these are some really bad jokes. Dunno why I'm even posting them, other than to say I did. At any rate, these are pretty much the worst jokes I could find. Enjoy! .... or maybe not.
Two fish were in a tank. One said to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
Did I ever tell you the story about the broken pencil? It had no point.
I was reading a book about adhesive the other day. I just couldn't put it down.
Q: What's the friendliest school?
A: Hi school.
Q: What's black, white, black, white, and green?
A: Two skunks fighting over a pickle.
Q: What do you give a dog with a fever?
A: Mustard. (It's good for hot dogs.)
Q: What do you call a bass vocalist who sings by himself?
A: So-low.
Q: Where do books eat dinner?
A: At the table of contents.
Q: Why were the suspenders arrested?
A: For holding up a pair of pants.
Q: What do you get if you cross a cow with a camel?
A: A lumpy milkshake.
Q; What did the angry inflatable teacher say to the irresponsible inflatable child in the inflatable school?
A: Not only have you let me down, you've let yourself down, and you've let the whole school down!
Q: Why was the broom late?
A: Because he overswept.
Funnyandjokes.com
Showing posts with label worst. Show all posts
Showing posts with label worst. Show all posts
Saturday, November 14, 2009
23 of the worst jokes you'll ever hear
23 of the worst jokes you'll ever hear
1. Two blondes walk into a building........ .. you'd think at least
one of them would have seen it
2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy
marijuana, press the hash key..."
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks
are too high."
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied "I know you
can't, I've cut your arms off".
8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his
head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. "That
sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."
13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have
a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he
checks his teeth. Finally, the vet says, "I'm going to have to put
him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy".
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck
up my backside." "...How's that?"
"Don't you start."
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
give me a lift?" I said "Sure. You look great ... the world's your
oyster ... go for it."
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or
my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu?
But I think its Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The
other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday; one was drinking battery
acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let
the other one off.
21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
today." They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking
Fine.' "So that was nice of them."
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in
several places". The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore".
"Doctor, doctor when I bend my arm like this it hurts." "Well don't
do it!"
23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search
and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that
number to climb as digging continues into the night.
1. Two blondes walk into a building........ .. you'd think at least
one of them would have seen it
2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy
marijuana, press the hash key..."
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks
are too high."
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied "I know you
can't, I've cut your arms off".
8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his
head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. "That
sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."
13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have
a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he
checks his teeth. Finally, the vet says, "I'm going to have to put
him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy".
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck
up my backside." "...How's that?"
"Don't you start."
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
give me a lift?" I said "Sure. You look great ... the world's your
oyster ... go for it."
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or
my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu?
But I think its Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The
other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday; one was drinking battery
acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let
the other one off.
21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
today." They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking
Fine.' "So that was nice of them."
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in
several places". The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore".
"Doctor, doctor when I bend my arm like this it hurts." "Well don't
do it!"
23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search
and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that
number to climb as digging continues into the night.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
The Fair Go Ad Award Results
FIVE FINALISTS FOR BEST AD:
TOYOTA - SNOWBOARDING
Snowboarding taps into Toyota’s marketing phrase that we believe anything is possible. This ad’s central point is that a young guy breaks into Snowplanet each night to practise his snowboarding to impress a girl who works there; he’s hopeless. But by ad’s end he makes it to the bottom and gets the girl.
MITRE 10 – LITTLE BOYS DIY
Kids in the playground, talking in adult-speak, about getting together at the weekend to help one of them with his DIY job. It sounds like a conversation had by many a DIY’er in pubs up and down the country and seeks to reinforce Mitre 10’s catchphrase that “DIY’s in our DNA.” It also has a poke at our Aussie neighbours.
INSTANT KIWI – MEXICAN DOUG
It seems many don’t know what product this ad promotes, but its line (in a Mexican accent)”get a perm” has entered the Kiwi vocabulary. It seems to be encouraging people to listen to the wild voice inside them, “live a little” and buy an Instant Kiwi.
2 DEGREES
This ad, and its variants, launched the new mobile phone network 2 Degrees. It stars comedian Rhys Darby from Flight of the Conchords and plays on the premise that everyone in NZ is linked, not by six degrees of separation, only by two.
CADBURY – MOVING EYEBROWS
The kids with contorting eyebrows certainly provoke reaction – it’s hilarious or intensely annoying. These ads are made in Britain and have global appeal but ultimately appear to say nothing about chocolate.
FIVE FINALISTS FOR WORST AD:
THIN LIZZY
An advertising jingle that sings as it sells make-up you brush on that covers all
TELECOM XT – RICHARD HAMMOND
The big campaign that kicked off Telecom’s new digital mobile network
CADBURY – MOVING EYEBROWS
See above
SENSODYNE – JELLY FISH
The swimmer struck down by tooth pain in the pool
TOWER INSURANCE – DISHWASHER DRAMA
The ad that shows men can load dishwashers and women can be grateful for that.
And now, the moment you've all been reading for; the winners:
Winner of the best ad:
MITRE 10 - LITTLE BOYS DIY
Winner of the worst ad:
TELECOM XT - RICHARD HAMMOND
TOYOTA - SNOWBOARDING
Snowboarding taps into Toyota’s marketing phrase that we believe anything is possible. This ad’s central point is that a young guy breaks into Snowplanet each night to practise his snowboarding to impress a girl who works there; he’s hopeless. But by ad’s end he makes it to the bottom and gets the girl.
MITRE 10 – LITTLE BOYS DIY
Kids in the playground, talking in adult-speak, about getting together at the weekend to help one of them with his DIY job. It sounds like a conversation had by many a DIY’er in pubs up and down the country and seeks to reinforce Mitre 10’s catchphrase that “DIY’s in our DNA.” It also has a poke at our Aussie neighbours.
INSTANT KIWI – MEXICAN DOUG
It seems many don’t know what product this ad promotes, but its line (in a Mexican accent)”get a perm” has entered the Kiwi vocabulary. It seems to be encouraging people to listen to the wild voice inside them, “live a little” and buy an Instant Kiwi.
2 DEGREES
This ad, and its variants, launched the new mobile phone network 2 Degrees. It stars comedian Rhys Darby from Flight of the Conchords and plays on the premise that everyone in NZ is linked, not by six degrees of separation, only by two.
CADBURY – MOVING EYEBROWS
The kids with contorting eyebrows certainly provoke reaction – it’s hilarious or intensely annoying. These ads are made in Britain and have global appeal but ultimately appear to say nothing about chocolate.
FIVE FINALISTS FOR WORST AD:
THIN LIZZY
An advertising jingle that sings as it sells make-up you brush on that covers all
TELECOM XT – RICHARD HAMMOND
The big campaign that kicked off Telecom’s new digital mobile network
CADBURY – MOVING EYEBROWS
See above
SENSODYNE – JELLY FISH
The swimmer struck down by tooth pain in the pool
TOWER INSURANCE – DISHWASHER DRAMA
The ad that shows men can load dishwashers and women can be grateful for that.
And now, the moment you've all been reading for; the winners:
Winner of the best ad:
MITRE 10 - LITTLE BOYS DIY
Winner of the worst ad:
TELECOM XT - RICHARD HAMMOND
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